DYING BY DEGREES An Audience Participation Murder Mystery Mark S.P. Turvin Characters: Dr. Franklin "Fritz" Fitzgerald-Narcoleptic college president. He's been at the College so long, he graduated from it with a degree in "Library Science." Dr. Milton Woolsey III-Dean of the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. One of the two people being groomed for the position of president. His stuck-up New England attitude is topped only by his biting sarcasm. Dr. Rita Vasquez-Dean of the College of Fine Arts. The other person being groomed for the position of president. She intends to wipe out the old boy's network, even if it takes a letterbomb to do it. Dr. Gunther Manheim-Chairman of the Chemistry Department. He's tall, blonde, Aryan, and a fascist, to boot. His position on the short list of the Nobel Prize has helped him bed many a star- struck undergrad. Hyman Bernstein-Extravagant, bizarre writer-in-residence in the English Department. An east coast liberal intellectual who's known as much for his exploits with Allan Ginsberg and Timothy Leary as he is for his writing. Margarita Pagan, M.B.A.-Former sixties radical-turned-Yuppie whose favorite word, reform, has switched prefixes with conceive. Lissy Fenster-The painfully shy graduating valedictorian. Her ticket is written to any ivy league school she chooses. Being honored for her achievements. Time: The night before graduation. Scene: The Faculty Dining Hall at Mount Saint Helen's College. Scene 1 The audience enters to find...Fritz snoring peaceably at the head table. Milton enters and looks over the arrangement of the seating. He notices that Rita has been placed to Fritz' right hand. He switches his placecard with hers. He then sits where he has placed his card. Margarita enters, carrying a pitcher of water. She puts it down on the head table. Margarita Good evening, Milton... Milton Shhh. He points to Fritz, and Margarita nods, and tiptoes to her seat. Fritz (Mumbles) No talking in the library, dammit. Milton (Thick, well-bred New England accent, said condescendingly) That's right, Fritz. I'm sorry. Go back to sleep. Margarita smiles at Milton, who shrugs at her. Margarita fusses with her purse while Milton leans back in his seat in a bored way. Gunther enters next. Gunther (Loudly, with a German accent) Milton, I need to talk vith you about... Both Milton and Margarita shush Gunther, who stops in mid-stride and looks at Fritz. Gunther (cont.) (Quietly) Ach, mein godt. I need to speak vith you, Milton. Now. Milton sighs, slowly stands and walks over to Gunther. Milton What is so pressing, Gunther? Gunther De grant money from ISF. Since ven does fifty-five percent of five million dollars get taken out for "indirect costs." Vat de hell is "indirect costs?" I need that money for lab equipment, chemicals, und... Milton ...and trips back to the fatherland, and those extravagent and expensive luncheons at Wilhelm's Wurst Haus. Gunther I do nothink more than any other research chemist. Ja? Milton Gunther, Gunther, Gunther. It's the night before graduation. You'll have plenty of time now that the semester is over to suck down your Liebframulch. Sit back, relax. We don't need your blitzkrieg attitude this evening. Yah? Gunther You get avay vith a lot of thinks just because you are next in line for de throne after Fritzy over there kicks off. But don't count your eggs before they are chickens. Rita Vasquez may be takink over if you are not careful. Milton Listen, Guther, I'll leave you to your heavy water experiments and buxom coeds, and you leave the politics to me. That was never your strong suit anyway. Fritz (Sits bolt upright) No gum chewing, dammit. (Drops his head onto his plate) Margarita He must've been one helluva librarian. Gunther Ja. Ve could have used him on the Russian front fifty years ago. Hyman Bernstein enters. He quickly walks over to one of the audience members and claps him on the back. Hyman Heya, buddy. See ya' pulled yourself away from your computer terminal enough to chow down. Both Gunther and Milton groan. Hyman moves over to another audience member. Hyman (cont.) Well, well, Coach Radnitz. Sorry about last Wednesday's loss to Our Lady of Unbearable Suffering. Hey, at least we made the blooper reel, though. (He moves over to Gunther) Heil, Gunther. How's the battle going? Irradiated anymore labs? Bedded anymore students? Gunther Crawl back into your bottle, poetry-boy. (Turns away and sits at the head table) Hyman And Milton, y'old blue-blood. (Imitating Milton's accent) What do you say we go out for some touch football. Milton Boar. Hyman Ooo, cut me to the quick. Where's Rita? Milton Fashionably late, as usual. Hyman When you're next in line for the big chair, you can afford those social faux-pas, right? Milton Would somebody get Hyman here a bottle of vodka and a nipple to shut him up? Hyman Make that a bourbon and water. Gunther gets him his drink, using a specific pitcher for the water. You may be the result of too much intermarriage, but you are thoroughly quotable. Milton I'm honored. Margarita Cut it out, Hymie, uhh, Hyman. Fritz is trying to sleep. Hyman Oh, I thought that Milton'd dumped the old man face first onto his plate. He is still breathing, right? (Hyman moves over to Fritz, picks the old man up by his collar, and puts a spoon under his nose) Yep. Still foggin' the spoon. That's a good sign. Not for you, blue-blood, but we don't mind it that much. (Fritz snorts loudly) Even he's glad. You can say that again, Fritzy. (Fritz snorts again) Hey, I think I could train him. Like a seal. Margarita Will you sit down, already? You're like Seinfeld on speed. Hyman God, I can't. I just pumped out thirty more pages on my manuscript. (Taps the computer disk in his shirt pocket) Y'all are gonna love it, I'm sure. It's got some interesting tidbits of riveting almost-fiction. Milton I always knew you had a bit of Jackie Collins in you. Hyman Hey, I've been on the short list for the Pulitzer Prize, and how many books do I sell? Sometimes, you've just gotta say, what the... Rita Vasquez enters, in a rush. Rita (Simultaneously with Hyman) Who the hell left the dead skunk in my parking spot? (She is looking around angrily. Milton holds back a chuckle) Was it you, Woolsey? Milton Oh, dear God, no. Do you really think that's my speed? I'm laughing at the irony, not at the deed. Rita Very funny. Oh, Jesus, take Fritz' head off the table. It's unbecoming. Will one of you wake him up? Gunther The only think vorse than Fritz asleep is Fritz avake. Rita (Grabbing Fritz' head) All right, if no one else is going to, I will. (Loudly) Hey, Fritz. Nap time's over. (Slaps his face loudly) Come back to the land of the living here, Fritz. Fritz ...Long live the Dewey Decimal System! Hmm? Oh, Miss Vasquez. And how are you, today? Rita Great. They're recalling my car for brake problems, my textbook on Women's Ritual Dance has been rejected by Little, Brown, and Woolsey tossed a dead skunk into my parking spot... Milton Take another Valium, dear. Rita Oh, shove it, Woolsey. I'm not your dear. Milton Nor anyone's. Fritz Children, please. Take your seats. We'll get started. Are we assembled? Margarita The faculty's here. We have yet to hear from our honoree tonight. Hyman Who's gettin' roasted? Lissy Fenster enters shyly. She is mousy and seems bewildered by all. Lissy Good evening, everyone. Margarita Good evening, Lissy. Milton Dear God, you've let an undergraduate into the Faculty Dining Room. A sacrilege. Leave, little girl. Exit the sanctuary. Margarita This is no little girl. This is Lissy Fenster. She's being honored tonight for being this year's valedictorian. Rita (Raises her fist in a salute) Way to go, sister! Lissy backs away from Rita. Margarita Besides being the first woman to graduate from Mount Saint Helen's College with a perfect 4.0 average, she managed to pick up several degrees in just four years. Gunther I thought she vas a student of Chemistry. Rita (To Lissy) I had you in a course in my Women's Studies curriculuum: "World Without Men; A Modest Proposal." Lissy I'll be getting my Bachelor's in Chemistry, Psychology, English, Secondary Education, Communications, Pre-Law and Pottery. Milton Talk about an eclectic mix. Hyman Then I guess one of the few things you missed in your college education was a social life, hmm? Someone fetch the little egghead here a drink. We still have one night of debauchery to show you. Lissy Oh, I can't drink. I won't be twenty-one until tomorrow. Fritz Seven degrees and she's not twenty-one yet. Quick, accept her into our program. Milton Fritz, she's graduating tomorrow. Fritz Really. Time flies. Well, I have just one thing to say to that... (He pauses for a minute, looking blankly) When I first graduated from this school in 1848... Milton The school was built in 1848. Rita You graduated in 1948. Hyman You sure? I think he was right the first time. Fritz (A booming voice) I'll have quiet here in the library! All of you! (Silence) As I was saying, when I graduated Mount Saint Helen's with the noble and important degree of Library Science, I knew that it would be a great honor to one day return to this important center for education and return the learning that I had been given to a new generation of students... Margarita Fritz. That's your speech for tomorrow's graduation. Where's your speech for the faculty? Fritz Hmm? Oh. The faculty. Right. My secretary Boom-Boom must've given me the wrong speech. Of course, she's a fine girl. An excellent organizer. Milton Yes, she is well-organized, isn't she? Margarita Look in your briefcase, Fritz. I'm certain it's in there. Fritz looks in his briefcase, taking out various assorted items, including a half-filled pill bottle. Margarita (cont) ...don't lose your nitro pills... Finally, he finds an envelope. Fritz Ah, here it is. Right. (Reading) "Reconsider your decision, or face dire consequences." (He looks at the note stangely) That was a short oration. Rita That wasn't the speech. Dear God, Fritzy, how you've managed to last this long is a miracle. (She gets up and starts looking through his briefcase) Of course, in a MAN'S world, chowderheads and Alzheimer's cases can run important institutions, as long as they have a penis... Gunther Must you mention that vord? Ve are about to eat... Rita ...but if a WOMAN is in a position of power, no matter how qualified she is, the minute she starts showing wrinkles, it's facelift or forced retirement. Milton Doesn't explain why you're still here. Rita Stifle it, Woolsey. (She holds up a few sheets of paper) Here you go, Fritz. Try reading from this. (She returns to her seat) Fritz Thank you, Rita. She's such a dear, isn't she? Now, let me see here. (Reading in a grand oratorial style) "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the faculty of Mount Saint Helen's College. We find ourselves once more at the end of another school year. We've churned, uhh, turned out another fine group of students, and look forward to challenging a new group yet to come. We may never see some of these young broads, uhh, wards again; yet, we must remember that it has been our job to fill these young things with the inspiration to seek knowledge. We can only be proud if we have been able to sneer, uhh, lear, uhh, steer them onto the right path. If we cheat, uhh, teach them nothing else, then to have touched, uhh, taught them this much may, nay, must be our reward. Our noble profession allows us no room to stop and boast. Even as we send our latest pimples, uhh, pupils out into the world, we must prepare once more for the next class that awaits their venture into realms previously unexplored. As we bid this school year, and these students, a fond farewell, we inevitably must follow once more the cynical, uhh, cyclical routine of our calling." Hyman (While everyone else is clapping) Is it me, or was that speech chock full of more innuendo than a Harlequin romance? Margarita Wonderful speech. Truly inspirational, Dr. Fitzgerald. Milton (Sidles up to her) What are you kissing up to him for? It's me who wields the power around here, Margie. Margarita I kiss up to him because anything involving kissing and you makes me want to vomit, Miltie. Milton They say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Margarita And you certainly need it, you washout. Hyman Hey, Marga, is blue-blood bothering you? Milton Oh, dry up, muckraker. (Moves away) Margarita Thanks for helping me out there. Have you decided not to take the contract Mt. St. Helen's is offering you? Hyman Yeah, well, I need to get outta this dump and back to where I belong. Academia's nice to visit and all, but I wouldn't wanna live here. It's like "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?", but without the humor. Margarita I was hoping that if you decided to stay on here, then things could...improve...between us. Hyman Uh, yeah, sure. You know, if you're ever in the East Village, you're always invited to drop on over to my loft, but I'm just not the kinda guy things...improve...with. Margarita Then the last few months have meant nothing to you? Hyman Not nothing. They were great. It's nice to see that even the Yuppie scum from the Business Department have a wild side. We've had a bunch of laughs, but it's time to move on. Margarita That's not the tune you were singing when you were standing on my porch like a wounded puppy with a bottle of Southern Comfort in one hand and your Jack Kerouac CD's in the other. Hyman You know the "Code of the Road." You say what you need to say to get companionship. All's fair. Margarita That's right, bastard, in love and war. Remember that. (She storms off) Hyman Hey, we've still got another day 'til I head back to New York. Wanna come over and crank up the stereo with some Dylan? Margarita (She turns on him quickly) I wouldn't listen to that whiney hophead with you again, even if you had him show up on my porch to serenade me. Hyman Nah, he's in L.A. right now. Hey, no hard feelings though, hmm? Margarita Go to hell, Hymie. (She leaves) Hyman (To an audience member) I think she took that well. Don't you? Gunther Lissy. Vould you come here a minute? I'd like to talk to you. Lissy Yes, Dr. Manheim. Gunther So formal. You graduate tomorrow, please, call me Gunther. Lissy I wouldn't feel right doing that. Gunther I insist. Lissy Well, all right. Gunther. Gunther Ja, good. You have been vun of my best students. You are a hard worker, und have helped my hard vater experiments greatly. You have a natural gift for chemistry. Lissy Well, thank you Dr. M...uhh, Gunther. I do enjoy chemistry quite a bit, as well as all the other majors I persued. Gunther I vas hoping that perhaps you might consider staying here to pursue your graduate degree. Lissy Well, actually, I've been heavily recruited by several other schools. Yale. Harvard. Stanford. M.I.T. DeVry. Technical Career Institutes. You know, the top ones. Gunther Ja, these are very good schools, but no vun has my qualifications in the field of radiation and heavy water experimentation. (Suggestively) Or in other fields, I might add... Lissy (Not understanding the implication) Oh, I don't dispute that, it's just that I'm not really sure what it is that I want to do. All of my majors are nice and all, but nothing really excites me. Gunther (Dripping with innuendo) There's nothink I can do to make you stay here vith me? Lissy It's nice of you to ask, but I have several things I need to think about before I make my decision. Gunther If you think of somethink, you vill let me know, ja? Lissy Ja, I mean, yes, Gunther. I promise. Gunther Such a good little girl. Fritz (Talking with Margarita) As you know, Miss Pagan, while Mount Saint Helen's College is committed to many intangible things, education is still a business. Margarita You're absolutely right, Dr. Fitzgerald. Fritz And as a business, we must run within a budget. There was a time when a private university with the prestige of ours could charge an arm and a leg and get away with it. And we did, might I add. Margarita We are quite aware of that, Dr. Fitzgerald. Fritz We used to overcharge our students an embarrassing amount, get tax breaks, and still received unbelievable funding from the government. (Dreamily) God, those were the good old days. Margarita Of course, Dr. Fitzgerald, but... Fritz Well, we figured the best way to reinvest our enourmous earnings was to invest in the only solid thing around...real estate. Margarita A wise choice, Dr. Fitzgerald, but... Fritz Yes, you'd think so. Good lord, we own half of this town, in fact. Margarita I know, Dr. Fitzgerald, but what does this have to do with the Business Department? Fritz Hmm? Oh, yes. Well, with the recent real estate bust, we are finding it difficult to make ends meet. Margarita Oh, no. Don't tell me... Fritz And we all must make our concessions... Margarita Dr. Fitzgerald, our Business Department is one of the best in the country...we've had such great luminaries of Business teach here as Charles Keating and Michael Milken... Fritz And I need to cut your department's budget another ten percent this year... Margarita Again! You've cut our budget by over forty percent for the past four years. Now, we're taking another big hit? This is preposterous. Fritz You don't understand. I just can't find the cash around here anymore. We can't pay for anything, it seems. But you've got it better than some. Oh, Rita, dear! Rita Yes, Fritz? Fritz I'll be cutting the budget of the College of Fine Arts by half next year. Rita Pardon me? You're joking, aren't you? Fritz We've all got to tighten our belts, put our shoulder's against the wheel... Rita Just one quick question, Fritzy-boy, how much of a budget cut is the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences taking? Fritz Well, I've talked that over with Woolsey, and they'll be taking a ten percent budget cut next year. Rita (Getting into his face) Just where in the hell do you get off telling us that we have to lose HALF our budget, and they'll be losing only ten percent? (Stands on a table) It's the boys club all over again. Because most of the professors working over in Liberal Arts and Sciences are WHITE, STRAIGHT MEN, they get the paternal nod, but the WOMEN, GAYS and MINORITIES in the Fine Arts are left begging for the scraps from the table! Fritz Oh, Rita, you are so cute sometimes. Now, come down off of there. (She angrily gets down, and Fritz sits her down condescendingly) It's a matter of simple economics. When someone leaves our college with a business or science degree, how likely is it that they'll wind up successful? Fifty, maybe sixty percent. And when someone leaves our college with a theatre or art history degree, how likely is it that they'll wind up successful...or even have a job. Five percent, maybe? Rita This is outrageous! Fritz But true. When it comes to those pledge drives by the alumni association, we'll get more from our B.S. students than our B.A.'s. Simple economics. No need to be crying mysogeny here. Rita Oh, call it what you like, but we'll see who's crying here by the end of the evening. (She turns to leave) Fritz Oh, and another thing. Everyone, can I have your attention? There are many other things that we, as a faculty, must do for our dear college. Times are tough, and belt-tightening has gotten to be the toughest thing around (next to the steak we serve our students at the dining halls, of course). I must ask for a few of you to volunteer to help serve tonight, too. (Groans from all) So, I'd like you Rita, and you Milton, and uhh, you Miss Pagan, and Dr. Manheim, and maybe you Mr. Bernstein. Lissy (After a pause) You'd like them for what, sir? Fritz To volunteer, of course. I'd like you all to go to talk to Mrs. Typhoid and serve everyone else here. (People grumble. He bellows authoritatively) Hop to it, people! (Everyone scrambles) I'll even help out. Spirit of democracy and all. Lissy I'll help, too, Dr. Fitzgerald. Fritz You're such a good girl. Who were you again, dear? Serving of First Course TO BE CONTINUED...